Last week, I had an appointment with my obgyn doctor. I scheduled the appointment because I've had recent issues with adult acne and painful menstrual cycles. Usually caused by ovarian cyst. It has gotten so bad, to the point where I've had to go to the emergency room because of the excruciating pain. For the record, I have a high pain tolerance. I refused to be a sissy after experiencing a brain tumor.
When I scheduled the appointment, I mentioned to the receptionist that I've had a long term issue with ovarian cysts, and only had one ovarie, so she scheduled me for a sonogram as well. After I got off the phone with her, my head began to flood with negative thoughts and doubts, "here we go again" or "same stuff all over again". Heavy emotions and feelings of defeat.
On the day of my appointment, I considered canceling my appointment. I thought it was waste of time and wasn't worth getting bad news. Because in my medical history, it's usually bad news or no resolution. Doctors will usually want to give me narcotics that take pain away, yet disable me from daily activity.
My sister Cas went with me to the appointment. Which I'm so thankful for. Having a sister that I'm close to is the most wonderful thing. Especially a sister like Cas. She's seen me through it all. I did my sonogram first. The young pregnant lady who did my sonogram was so sweet and gentle.
People who are genuinely sweet and speak in such a gentle tone are so refreshing. They make me question my entire existence. No one's ever that kind anymore! As she was performing the sonogram, she said with such sincerity and gentleness,
"Sweetie. I'm having a hard time finding your left ovarie. It seems to be hiding from me..."
With every inch of me, I wanted to lie and make up some fabricated tale as to why it was "hiding". I immediately confessed that I lost in surgery when I was 12 years old.
(Side note: During the process of discovering the avl (arterial vascular malformation) in my left leg, the doctors informed my parents that my left ovarie wasn't fully devolped and there was a tumor on it. They operated and removed it when I was twelve years old. It was one of the most painful surgeries I've ever had.)
Following the sonogram, I met with my doctor. She was awesome. Having doctors I can trust and that I like, are very important to me. My mom recommended for me to see her. She was very friendly and honest. She asked me several questions regarding my medical history. I told her about the brain tumor, the pelvic surgery, the leg surgeries, the embolisations, the depression, the suddent outbreak of acne, and more depression.
Just as every person who hears my story, she was amazed. She even shared some hardship she faced with chronic pain. Sincere empathy can go a long way with people, especially me.
She prescribed me what I needed and said, "Well it looks like you're right ovarie is in beautiful condition. It looks healthy. I don't see any cyst whatsoever or anything concerning."
Can you believe it? I couldn't believe it. Nearly 13 years since I've dealt with ovarian cysts, and now NOTHING. It was music to my ears. It was like the blind man getting healed by Jesus, and seeing for the first time. I've never been blind in my life, but I can empathize. For years, you grow accustomed to pain and being held down by sickness and disabilities, and suddenly Jesus Christ shines his majesty on me, heals me. If you know what I speak of, like me, you probably didn't expect him to look at you, heal you, but he does, and you're healed. I get emotional and teary eyed as I write this.
It's been a rough past few months. There's been a lot of transition in my life, and I've caught myself slipping and not giving God all my attention and the worship he deserves. I've neglected my relationship with him at times, and yet here he comes to my rescue and he heals me in a way that I didn't not expect.
Lately, I've felt forgotten about my friends and allow it to tick me off at times. You know those friends who say they love you, and they care about you, but don't really show it, because they neglect you. Then here is the greatest friend I could have of all time, God, playing catch up with me by healing me, even though I don't deserve it anyway. The bad friends I speak of, I can become in my own way with God.
I've always told myself not to confuse human fallibility with God. Yet there's been times where I forget about my rules. I think he's not going to be there for me, just like so many of my friends have not been there. But God has always been there. This miracle is just another indication into who God is.
Even though we are undeserving of his gifts or presence. In the midst of confusion, chaos, he is still there for us. Perfect Christian or not, Jesus Christ loves us. He is always pursuing us, he will perform when we least expect it. Just to show us, he is not a crappy friend, he is not a mediocre God, or a God that crosses you off his lists and abandons you even when you've abandoned him.
Don't ever believe or allow anyone to cause you to think God won't be there for you. He will always be there.
My health's journey is not over by any means. I still experience many highs and lows. But knowing that he has not forgotten about me, knowing that he will be there to catch me is all that reassurance and hope I need. Jesus is the best friend one could ever hope for.
xo,
-neah
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