I can never quite understand how some people, celebrities, and leaders subject themselves to the scrutiny that entails being in the spotlight - allowing yourself to be openly applauded or heavily criticized when you do or do not meet up to the crowds expectations. I would never run for something like presidency. I couldn't do it. People's thoughts and criticism plauging my every move? No thanks. Mom calls it a, "fishbowl effect"
I certainly refuse to do it. I'm finished with trying to lead or be a role model. I tried it for a really long time and it inflicted more harm than it did any good. There was a time when I tried to live up to the title, the preconceived expectations people had of me. Maybe it wasn't so much that I was trying to live up to it. Perhaps I thought I could and I was supposed to, so I gave it my best shot.
Looking back, my intentions were usually noble and honest. Perhaps a fair part of me just wanted to gain the approval of all around me. Yet a large part of me lost sight of whom I rekepty should of been impressing- Jesus Christ. By nature, I've always been a huge people pleaser. I want everyone to like me and be pleased with me. Always ready and prepared to transform myself into whatever I needed to be to reassure one's affirmation of me. Should that mean to be one's personal footstool, then so be it.
Fast forward many years later, now I realize trying to live up to everyone's expectations is probably the most lethal way one could inflict long-term pain to one's self. In a way, I blame myself more than anyone. As you begin to mature, you begin to clearly understand the big picture. Just as when you're a child watching a cartoon promoted for a younger audience, but when you're an adult you start noticing all the innuendo or underlying jokes.
Now, I know that no matter how fun looking & colorful the title is, it's not a show I should take part of. I refuse to make myself a martyr when there is one who already died for all of us. To me, people pleasing can verge on false humility and fall under the guise of desiring glory, when Christ should be getting every glory.
This summer, someone recently said this to me:
"No matter what you do. I'm never going to see you in a good way..."
This is when reality sunk in and I snapped out of my notion; that if I kept on trying with this woman, or anyone for that matter, with enough persistance and work, I would win their love. Only to learn it was to no avail. My works didn't matter. I can't make anyone love me if they don't want to. I won't win anyone's approval if they refuse to let me win.
"you can be the ripest juicest peace in the world, and there is still going to be somebody who hates peaches " -unknown
Attempting to live up to the expectations of human nature is a recipe for foregone failure. Yes, I've made plenty of mistakes, but even if I hadn't, people have found invisible ones. Yes, I took responsibility & apologized for when I was wrong. Yet somehow or another I've been confronted with some of the most silliest accusations of my life that never had any merit - things that even my own parents found to be silly.
The world is more eager for negativity & drama, than it is for rainbows, unicorns, and the smiley faces & hearts. Especially eager in finding fault in others.
Fortunately for myself, I've chosen to remove myself from that uphill battle and the falsified standards of man. Attempting to be perfect, when I am fully aware of my flaws & imperfections, is emotionally draining. I tried to ride hard, even when I was on empty from head to toe, inside and out. As someone who has suffered with bouts of extreme depression and chronic pain since I was a little girl, I finally decided to pay a difficult but needed service to myself and bow out.
Although I am 22 years old, and considered an adult. (Who let that happen?) I am extremely dull girl who spends her Friday nights watching TV and eating chips. I've never been to a night club. I am a virgin and proud. I've never snuck out of my house to go be with boys. I've been in one relationship that lasted two years and half. I still ask my parents for their permission. My point: As much as I wish people would take my "goodie goodie" persona into consideration when they're on a witch hunt for me, these things don't necessarily define me nor make me a good leader.
What defines me most is how God sees me - how my heavenly Father sees me. Jesus Christ performed so many miracles and good deeds for so many and it wasn't enough for the people. Eventually, the people wanted to see him crucified. No, I'm not comparing my sufferings to His. But He of all people, knows what I speak of. And believe me, He knows all the ugly and evil in me better than anyone does. So no offense, but some of you don't know me like you believe you do.
Now before you start thinking that I lead some sort of double life, let me clarify. For the most part, I'm proud of the life and the choices I've made. I have some incredible memories. I have good people in my life. I'm proud that I was raised by two awesome parents - that have raised me to do the right thing. I'm proud that my family & my friends know the true person that I am. I'm proud that no one can accuse me of being mean or false. I'm proud that I stand up for myself. I'm proud of the strength Christ gives me to move forward even when it's hard or lonely. I would much rather live up to His expectations above anyone else. I'm still accountable to Him no matter what. I'm still accountable to my family members and those who truly know me.
Before you can truly define a person as a real, true role model, you must truly know a person and their actions. Seeing someone once or twice a week for an hour period, doesn't mean you truly know them, and it certainly does not give you the right to accuse or place extreme expectations.
(Unless of course if I've blatantly hurt you and shown you some true colors)
For those fellow "people pleasers" who are still trying to figure this out. God bless you for your big heart. Deep down we're really just wounded warriors looking for acceptance and healing. In return we are ready to love hard and deeply. But at some point if you're not seeing a emotional investment in return by people in your life, it's time to walk away. I realize how selfish this sounds. But it is a whirlwind that will knock you into oblivion if you lose sight of yourself. No one, except for God, will take care of your heart better than you can. Keep loving and keep finding the good in those who remain.
For those of you who still see me as a role model or leader, despite my choices and this entry. I love you. I appreciate your love. I appreciate your consistent support. Thank you for always believing in me. I hope I didn't disappoint you or shock you with my words. But this is real, and this is me. I'm a human being, I bleed red just like you do, and I have bad morning breath just like everyone else.
For those of you who are partially responsible for my emotional pain; I forgive you. I hope that we can all learn from our mistakes and the from the hurt we can cause each other.
DISCLAIMER: This not an entry written off mere emotion or completely unfounded assumptions. This is reality. This is the raw results of being a "people pleaser". The "people pleaser" in me refuses to post this and will worry about it for days. But somethings have to be put out there for healing.
Let us be provoked into treating those around us in fairness and in graceful love.
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